《我在中國的家》故事13｜JOANNE: F**K, I’M AMERICAN

作者：Joanne Ko

翻譯：潘澤彬

F**k， I’m American

見鬼，我是美國人！

Sure， culture shock happens on both sides of a shore。

沒錯，文化衝擊在大洋兩岸都會發生

“Never go to China! You have no idea how dangerous China is. Promise me you will not go!”

Having grown up Chinese in America， I attracted a lot of speculation about what China and Chinese people are supposed to be like。 It’s as if people merely fill in a blank with any answers they presume appropriate。 Although， this time， it was my Chinese mother who said this， and she was born and raised in China with pride and apparently fear of the China she once knew and left。 The China that probably doesn’t exist anymore。

“永遠不要去中國！你不知道中國有多危險。向我保證別去中國！”

我是在美國長大的華人，從小聽聞了很多關於中國的評論。人們評價中國時，就像在做填空題，只要他們覺得答案正確，就肆意填寫。但這次是我母親囑咐我的，她也是華人，在中國出生長大。她對中國的認識還停留在過去，當時的她出於擔心離開了中國。殊不知她腦海裡的中國已經成為過去式。

Maybe it was for rebellion that I am here today。

也許是出於叛逆心理，我來到了中國。

Did you cry when you heard about it？” He asked。

“聽到這番話你哭了嗎？”他問道。

Maybe somewhere in my silent rage， there were some forms of tears。

也許我無言的憤怒就藏在淚水中。

“Well， I don’t blame you。 America hates China。”

“嗯，我不怪你。美國討厭中國。”

I didn’t know that anyone else noticed。

我不知道有人覺察到了這一點。

“I felt this， too， and I’m not even Chinese and I saw it。 I came to China over 20 years ago and I was a rich， white man， and even I noticed IT！”

“我也感覺到了，即便我不是中國人，也看到了這一點。我 20 多年前去過中國，當時的我還是一個有錢的白人，連我都注意到了！”

Maybe what he said is only meaningful to me； this bit of reassurance that I wasn’t crazy。

也許他說的話只對我有意義；這一點讓我放心，我沒有瘋。

He continued， “Listen， I’m old， so take my advice，”

他繼續說：“你多聽聽我這個老人的建議吧。”

It’s true。 He was really old。 Possibly senile， too， but in this moment， he was very much together when he said， “Stay in China。 China is great！ Just stay here！”

沒錯。他真的老了，可能老糊塗了，那一刻，他滿懷自信地說：“留在中國。中國很棒。留在中國！

“

This was during China’s national lockdown where street riots and racial violence against Chinese and other Asian groups （mistaken for being Chinese） were rising outside of China， and in my home， San Francisco。

在中國封城期間，國外針對華裔和其他亞裔（被誤認為是華裔）的騷亂和種族暴力正在上升，我的家鄉舊金山也是如此。

If only it was that easy to “just stay here”， but was I looking for a second home， a home away from home？ Or peace？

如果只是“留在中國”這麼簡單就好了，我要尋找第二個家，一個家外之家，一個和平之家。

“你是美國人，是嗎？告訴我哪個國家更好？美國還是中國?”

It got to where I wanted to avoid telling people I’m American。 Ironically， this desire to lie about my identity is the same living in America， having to face questions like， “So what are you？” （As if ‘human’ wasn’t enough） “Where are you originally from？” （As if ‘I’ migrated） and “What are you originally？” （As if I somehow ‘changed’ races）。 Because in America， I cannot be American-I am Chinese， no matter how little I knew the Chinese language， the country and culture-and with the label ‘Chinese’ comes along all what people think of China and Chinese people， no matter how ignorant we both are。

It’s a bit funny how I’m ‘Chinese’ in America, and ‘American’ in China. Like my Hash name, I seem to be ‘in the f**king middle’.

“你是美國人，是嗎？告訴我哪個國家更好？美國還是中國？”

沒完沒了的這些問題，讓我不想承認我是美國人。諷刺的是，在美國我也不願坦露我的國籍，但我不得不面對這樣的問題：“你是什麼？”（似乎我不是“人”）“你原本來自哪裡？”（好像“我”移民了）和“你原本是什麼人？”（好像我“改變了”種族）。在美國，我不被看成是美國人——因為我是華裔。即便我基本不會講漢語，對中國文化也知之甚少，但我被貼上“中國人”的標籤，無知的人們就會開始對中國和華裔評頭論足。

在美國我是“中國人”，而在中國我是“美國人”，這太可笑了。就像我的姓名一樣，我似乎是“倒黴的中間人”。

My parents left China and returned as visitors only to find the streets of their hometown they grew up in， WeChat， and even the simplified written Chinese unrecognizable。 They shared many wonders we foreigners have today like the driving style and why people suddenly stop walking once on an escalator。 It was surreal to watch my Chinese parents be such strangers in their own home country。

我父母此番作為遊客回到中國，發現他們早已不認識家鄉的街道，也不懂什麼是微信，甚至連簡體字都無法閱讀。他們也和外國人一樣驚訝，驚訝於不同的駕駛方式，驚訝於人們為什麼在自動扶梯上突然停下步伐。看著父母對自己的祖國如此陌生，我感受到了一絲魔幻色彩。

Maybe losing our original form is what the ‘melting’ means in the ‘melting pot of America’， especially in San Francisco， which is a beautifully diverse city， much like a city of several different countries weaved together through hilly streets。 It is where many have ‘left their hearts in’ and fallen in love many times over as the city transforms with each decade。 San Francisco is what I understood as a ‘melting pot’ when I first learned this term。

也許自我迷失就是“美國大熔爐”中“熔”的含義，特別是在舊金山，一個美麗的多元化城市，它像一個由不同的國家高低錯落的街道交織而成的城市。舊金山每十年就會發生鉅變，許多人“把心留在了這裡”，並隨著舊金山每十年的變遷，反覆愛上這座城市。第一次學習“大熔爐”這個詞時，我理解的就是指舊金山。

Although， despite how mesmerizing the image of many colors （nations） swirling and blending may be， it is not a ‘melting pot’。

To me, the diversity of San Francisco is more like a mosaic; still beautiful but made from broken glass that was once something whole; now, in shards, sharp with a clear separation between each piece.

許多膚色（民族）交錯融合的景象十分迷人，但舊金山並不是一個“大熔爐”。

多元的舊金山更像是一幅馬賽克，由破碎的玻璃組成，曾經完整，依舊美麗。現在，每一塊碎片之間有著明顯的分界。

“Go back to China！ You are not welcomed here。”

I wonder if these people who hold such intolerance would still bark this rude ejection like a damnation if they saw the real China。

“回中國去吧！這裡不歡迎你。”

如果這些心胸如此狹隘的人看到真實的中國，是否還會罵罵咧咧地趕我走呢？

Life in China is almost like a paradise， tranquil and safe。 Where else could I leave my valuables out in a public space， leave， and come back only to find nothing stolen or vandalized； or walk freely any time of day without such worry for myself as well。 People here have kindness and patience， many of whom would bend over backwards to help if I needed it。 There is a great sense of community， one that is empathetic， and curious but hardly ever judging。

I have felt so much freedom in China, more than I ever felt before, and I’m from the US, the supposed ‘land of the free’.

生活在中國簡直像在天堂，寧靜而祥和。在中國我把貴重物品留在公共場所，回來時沒有任何東西被偷或者遭到破壞；一天中任何時候都可以自由出行，不必擔心自身安全。人們都很善良，十分耐心，如果我需要幫助，許多人都會盡量施以援手。中國人具有很強的團體意識，有同情心和好奇心，但不會隨意評判他人。

我在中國感受到了前所未有的自由，自由度比所謂的“自由國度”美國還要高。

So “go back to China”？ Sure， I’d love to， and maybe you should， too！

“回中國去”？當然，我非常樂意，也許你也該來中國看看！

“你是哪個國家的呢? 只是，你的感覺不像中國人…”

They’re probably right。 Culturally， I am an early ‘90’s baby’ growing up watching Saturday morning cartoons in my underwear while hoarding a stash of candy like prison money。 I listened to N’Sync and the Backstreet Boys， which I remember us girls having a crush on Aaron and Nick Carter and wished my strict parents would let me go to a slumber party where typical pre-teen girls would paint each other’s nails， do our hair， and plan our weddings to one of the boyband stars。 I also watched Nickelodeon and practiced WWE moves on my brother， which resulted in a different kind of beating from both him and my mother。 At school and at home， I played kickball and baseball where my brother and I as kids used ping pong paddles instead of baseball bats。 And as a teenager navigating the world of teen angst， what mostly filled my mind besides sex and suicide was the dreadful apprehension of what I want （rather need） to be for the rest of my life， and how I was ever going to become a capable adult。

I am, in the end, a collective of all my thoughts, my actions and all impressions of everyone I have ever met. I am my own walking mosaic collecting pieces wherever I go.

“你是哪個國家的呢？只是，你的感覺不像中國人……”

也許他們是對的。文化上，我是一個早期的“90 後嬰兒”，週六早晨睡衣看動畫片，像存獄金似的積攢糖果。我聽超級男孩和后街男孩的歌，我們這些女孩非常喜歡亞倫和尼克·卡特（后街男孩成員），還希望父母能讓我去參加睡衣派對。派對上處於青春期的女孩們會互相塗指甲油，做頭髮，幻想嫁給男團成員。我還喜歡看“尼克國際兒童頻道”，在我哥哥身上練習摔角動作，結果被他和媽媽打得很慘。無論在學校還是家裡，我都喜歡踢足球、打棒球，我和哥哥小時候會用乒乓球拍代替棒球棒。當時的我是在焦慮世界中航行的少女，除了性和自殺之外，我還充滿恐懼，充滿憂慮，憂慮我將來想要（而不是需要）成為什麼樣的人，憂慮我如何成為一個有能力的成年人。

歸根結底，我的所思所行，以及我遇到的每個人對我的印象，造就了現在的我。我是行走的馬賽克，無論走到哪裡都在收集碎片。

F**k， I am American， and I had to come all the way to China to learn this； not that I expect anyone to accept me as an American and not because of any conscious choice either， as if I get a choice。

見鬼，我是美國人，我不得不大老遠跑到中國來學習這個。我並不期望任何人接受的美國人身份，因為我無法選擇。

As if identity is easy to define， which it is not。 But it’s there。

彷彿身份很容易定義，其實不然。但你的確有個“身份”。

*Sigh* I am not Chinese， and will never truly be Chinese， no matter how much I study the language and culture， or how much people insist that I am， and certainly not that I reject the Chinese identity。

*唉*我不是中國人，無論我多麼努力學習漢語和中國文化，無論人們覺得我有多像中國人，我也永遠不會成為中國人，但這並不是說我拒絕中國人這一身份。

I didn’t come to China for rebellion nor for peace. I’m here to make peace with myself, to harmonize the two cultural sides of a coin that may never meet eye to eye.

But maybe after 3 years living a dream， I simply succumbed to the comfort of China and forgotten my mission to define myself until writing this essay and ruminating on how China helped me confront myself。 Yet， like my parents who came back to China as strangers， I may return to San Francisco a much different person， maybe even still a stranger not recognizing a home I once knew， because some part of me has ‘melted’ somewhere else。

我來中國不是為了反叛，也不是為了安寧。我是來與自己和解的，是來讓兩種文化更加和諧的，而這兩種文化就如一枚硬幣的正反面，互不待見。

3 年來，我生活在夢裡，安逸於中國的舒適環境，忘記了尋找身份的使命。寫這篇文章時，我才開始思考中國如何幫助我面對自己。然而，就像父母以陌生人的身份回到中國一樣，我回到舊金山時可能會大不相同，甚至可能也會成為一個陌生人，認不出我曾經熟悉的家，因為我已經“熔”到其他地方。